To Gaze Upon Wicked Gods by Molly X. Chang

Author:Molly X. Chang [Chang, Molly X.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Worlds
Published: 2024-04-16T00:00:00+00:00

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Hope was a grand thing, but not an antidote. It didn’t make the killings any easier.

I cried over good men, just as I cried over bad men.

These icy waves of needle-laced self-loathing washed over me, pushed me further and further from the lights of the distant harbor. So distant I felt like I could never turn back.

To my surprise, Antony met my weakness with kindness.

When the tears fell, he always placed a hand upon my shoulder then held me.

Always, he held me—through the shame that was heavy as damnation, drowning me in its shivering depths.

Those arms were comforting and strong, and they felt like an anchor whenever I was tucked safely within—the only thing that could shield me from the maddening waves. Even as the water climbed higher, as I did all I could to stay above the tides on my tiptoes, he was the only thing that tethered me to my fraying sanity.

When summer eves darkened into winter dusk, he became my only source of warmth. The only place where I could break down, over and over again. The only person I could talk to and be heard, understood.

Without shame.

Without judgment.

Antony didn’t hate me like my sister, didn’t look at me with disappointment like my grandmother.

When the prince looked at me, he simply saw me, for me.

“Everything is going to be okay,” he murmured. “You are doing the right thing. We are doing the right thing. Trust me.”

Each time he said this, it made me want to believe in him.

I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t erase the desires that burned under my skin, couldn’t snip away the traitorous part that wanted to lean against him, to be held tighter in his arms for moments longer. Bury my face in him and not think of the consequences of my actions, of the faces of those I had killed.

All that they could have done with their lives. The future where those men had lived instead of me and maybe changed the world as Meiya dreamt in her grand fantasies.

Guilt chewed at me like vultures over a corpse.

Shame wrought a noose around my throat, too tight to breathe.

The voices I tried so hard to ignore. The things I pretended not to see, not to know, not to think of.

And yet…

By doing Antony’s bidding, I was helping him amass power, putting him steps closer to the Roman throne, where he could enact change and rule more benevolently than his grandfather.

I wasn’t selfish. I wasn’t a traitor to my people. I did this to protect my family, yes, but in the process, I was also protecting every other family who called Er-Lang home.

For if one day Antony ascended the Roman throne, he would do better by us.

Antony would do better…

He had to.

Because Er-Lang would not survive a war between magic and science. In a few months’ time, if his grandfather decided to invade my realm instead of letting the status quo continue, it would be the end of everything.

The end of Er-Lang.

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